turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
