I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's blow job season.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
