im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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