i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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