I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
