I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
