is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
