New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
