He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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