Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
