You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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