You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This house was built for laser tag.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
