Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
please come you make the beer taste better
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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