If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
