My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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