Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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