She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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