TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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