my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
