Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
