mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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