two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
