last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
