when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
