sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
