you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
