WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My liver is preforming stress tests.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
