My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
