Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
