I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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