Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
