I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
