so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
