half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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