When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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