just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
