I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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