i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Bring me that man meat
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
