Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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