I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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