You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He better not be in your backpack
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
