Can Purell be used as lube?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
