Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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