Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
