Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
