he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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