I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
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I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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