someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
