Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
