Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
