Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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