She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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