high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
