she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just found puke in my bra..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
