I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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