Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
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two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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