Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
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i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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