im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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