Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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