I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
