Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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